There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
