So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
