Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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