the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
