i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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