this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize