nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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