it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
