Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
