You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize