I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
