Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
