I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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