life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
