There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
