her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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