Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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