I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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