i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
