i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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