We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
