the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
