If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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