i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My orgasm happened in two different decades
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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