I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
