he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
