you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
