omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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