Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How naked do you want me to be?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
