Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
