You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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