My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
