Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
