Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
