the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
