Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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