We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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