There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
