eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Two words: nipple clamps
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