if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
