atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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