Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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