Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
