Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
