i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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