I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize