i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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