i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
