So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
