like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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