I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
