Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
