Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
