he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
