My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
