Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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