They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
