I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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