You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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