My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
