fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well I can't set my house on fire every night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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