I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
